i smell like honey lemon cough drops and peppermint tea. my throat is raw, and i've blown my way through a whole box of tissues. i have not even entertained the idea of makeup in the past forty-eight hours, and my hair is something akin to a fluffy lion's mane. my days have consisted of several episodes of "new girl" and hours upon hours of reading as i've remained in a horizontal position for fear of my head exploding should i actually dare to sit up.
all of my weekend plans have thus been deflated by a relentless and determined cold.
as a woman who relies heavily on, and takes joy in, to-do lists and calendars, i did not plan for sickness to plague me as it did, nor did i plan to spend several days in so much quiet succumbed to the inability to speak normally. i had yet to pencil in reminders to take medicine every twelve hours, and i certainly didn't foresee the sweetness and conviction that would spring forth from my solitude and silence. but the Lord, in his mercy, did and has orchestrated the last two days in the most beautiful and unexpected way.
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i'm twenty-four years old. i spend most of my hours helping forty-two prepubescent humans navigate the waters of overwhelming hormones and seemingly dramatic situations. my thoughts are often overcome with how i can help my students: emotionally, socially, academically, individually, and collectively. they are my ministry and my responsibility for now. this can be exhausting and is nothing how i planned my life to be the year i'm turning twenty-five. in fact, the plans i had for myself at this age are starkly different than my reality.
i would chronicle the differences between the two for you here, but that's not the point. the point is that a lot of my "what ifs," the questions about my future, are becoming my "even ifs." what if my friends marry and i remain single? what if i have to become financially responsible for myself? what if i'm not doing what i think i'm supposed to be doing? what if i'm not living where i think i'm supposed to be living? these questions and a multitude of others have reverberated off the walls of my heart for years. i've struggled with contentment wondering why some move through certain seasons at one pace while others move at another, why the ideals i penned so concretely have yet to come to fruition. and the best answer i can render is that His plans and reality are far greater than mine. confidence placed fully in Him, despite circumstances and thwarted dreams, is my only hope.
my future is quite uncertain. my plans are like the snow, seemingly
perfect only to become a tainted slush. trouble, trial, and tribulation
are expected. i don't know when and i don't know how, but He promises they're coming. whether
it be weekend plans or life-long dreams, all of the days ordained for
me are written in His book, and that is sufficient.
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this morning, as i downed my sixteenth-ish cup of hot tea, i read through the book of habakkuk, the three short chapters penned by the prophet and included in the old testament. though not a Bible scholar, i grasped that habakkuk, in his finite wisdom was begging the Lord to save his people, to rescue them from imminent destruction by the babylonians. but the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, determined to use the babylonians to correct the people of the tribe of judah. drastically different plans, drastically different purposes, one far better than the other.
despite the truth that my life isn't what i thought it would be, despite the legitimacy that my plans could still easily be foiled, may my heart beat with the same assurance that habakkuk's did: the assurance of a constant and sufficient God...
though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet i will rejoice in the Lord;
i will take joy in the God of my salvation.
habakkuk 3:17-18
even then, i will rejoice in the Lord.
because of who He is.
